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DireConsequences's Journal


DireConsequences's Journal

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11 entries this month
 

06:46 Sep 29 2011
Times Read: 760


So on Monday, we drove 90-something miles for a 20 minute appointment. I'm happy. I don't have to go back. I don't have to see Dr. Rosen again unless something else would come up down the road. I like him so I would go to him if I could. I don't have a brain aneurysm.



I did ask him about why I had to go through the angiogram to find out I didn't have one. He explained it as the CT Scan and MRA are good for showing some problems but it doesn't show the finer details.



Here is the example he gave me:



Since I wear glasses, if I took them off and read something, might make mistakes. It's not that the text is wrong or I'm lacking the skill. Once I take the measure of putting my glasses on again, I can read it much better.



I wouldn't want him to judge me on the first reading; same as he didn't want to misdiagnosis me as having a brain aneurysm if I didn't have one from an MRA and a CT Scan when an angiogram could give a specific image of what was going on in my brain.



I'm really relieved though.



I have to say though. Pulling my pants and panties down a little for his PA to see the catheter site was just uncomfortable... LOL! It had bled a little though and I needed to make sure it wasn't getting infected. The doctor was with another patient and I didn't know if I was going to see him before I left since his other patient was of higher priority.



I noticed this morning though that it is FINALLY scabbed over though. I'm still using my mom's one cane to get up from the couch and the lazyboy chair. I'm sleeping in the chair because of my breathing and being sick. Ugh. But it's scabbed over. No more bandaids unless I have to... and it means it shouldn't bleed anymore!



=)



Oh yeah!



I need to start writing in my journals like my hard bound ones. I just really need to find the time to sit down and write.



Fall is here. The temperature is dropping. Brett's going to be chopping wood and stacking it on our porch. I need to get so much done. I got the rest of the cabinets cleaned out today. The aches in my right groin need to just go away already. It's starting to frustrate me when I can't keep up with Aurora. She's not getting it and no matter how I explain it, there's no helping the situation.



... And since I can't get up with her, she's starting to act out more than usual. Although there has been no accidents today. Which is completely awesome! ♥ I'm proud of her!



She was talking about Pull-Ups today and wanting them. She wants the Princess ones again. I explained to her that we're not letting her go back and reminded her Papa and Mama bought her Princess panties over the weekend. She's not entirely happy about it but she's content with it, I guess. It seems that way at least... especially since she went to the bathroom right after the conversation.


COMMENTS

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01:48 Sep 26 2011
Times Read: 769


*Started as a comment on my previous journal entry but I'm making it as it's own entry instead.*



Other than Aurora bumping it here and there, which she's almost four... and me being sick with a cold, I've been pretty good.



You can barely tell were they went in. It's starting to scab over and I can feel the clot device (MYNX). It feels weird under my skin and I want to squeeze it out.



Today I fell while cleaning out our cabinets and spilled grits everywhere... It started bleeding. Brett and Aurora didn't hear me yelling but the bleeding only lasted less than a minute and was a stream. It was difficult bandaging up that area with a 4x4 by myself though while applying pressure. I was kind of scared and freaking for a minute or so after the bleeding stopped wondering if I was going to "spring a leak" so to speak! LOL!



I hope the final results are the same as the "wet" ones. We have to go tomorrow to find out. My mom's going with me and Aurora.



My doctor is really sweet though. I'm happy with him considering some of the others that I've met while my mom worked long term care who didn't have time for their patients and didn't seem to care at all.



I've got my fingers crossed. =) Positive thoughts usually bring positive things.


COMMENTS

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ToxicKitten
ToxicKitten
18:13 Sep 26 2011

Spring a leak!

DOO IT!!!



lol...





 

05:03 Sep 24 2011
Times Read: 778


*TMI involved.*



So the angiogram was on Wednesday, it went okay. The day before, they called and wanted to reschedule. Heck no! After everything we arranged and things, we needed to get this done and over with.



Well, we left at 5:30 am. My mom, me, and Brett going to Morgantown to get this dang thing done and out of the way.



We made it down there at 8:30 am. We hit up the cafeteria for them to eat something and headed up to the cardiology unit.



To be honest, being sent to the heart care unit where my nephew was taken care of confused the hell out of until I understood that's where the equipment was for the cerebral angiogram.



Well, I was prepped at 9:30 am and they couldn't find any veins on me. After the one female stuck me twice and moved the needles a whole bunch, she offered the new guy... I didn't find out he was new until later. It was his second day on the job, but he got the vein on the first damn try! Woot!



Emergency after emergency happened... they couldn't help the wait and offered me the option of rescheduling. Um NO! Heck no!



I finally got to go back about 5:30 pm to get the test done. Nothing seemed to be working right at first. They couldn't even give me the one medication without a proper blood pressure reading and the cuff wasn't working. The one nurse went and got another one and it was working but expanded so much it came off of my arm. At least I warned them of it as it was happening! LOL!



They finally got a reading though after about eight or ten minutes. Once that was done, things got moving right along.



I was placed in what they call conscious sedation, which allows me to respond to them and see what's going on around me. Although I had a semi-bad response of being really dizzy and nauseous from it and had to keep my eyes closed the whole time. It felt incredibly weird though. I wish I could explain it. I can't say it felt like a dream because it didn't. I felt drunker than I've ever been. I've never taken street drugs... so I can't compare to the feelings of those. But the feeling was insane and it felt good and scary in the same.



I got a shot to numb the catheter site. It went in my right groin. The pressure felt as though Aurora's head was coming out of my hip instead of my birthing canal. Once it was it there, the wire was next going in, I could feel it only here and there. Once in my belly about where my "factory" would be and then again in my neck a couple of times. It just felt like a little bit of pressure though.



When they injected the dye into my head and took the pictures, it became painful to my "migraine site." The last image taken was the worse though. Each time, a little of the dye went into my mouth. It tasted like metal. That last image though... it felt like I took apart my electric blanket put the wires on high under my scalp and left it for 30 or so seconds. The pain in my temple shot up and trying to hold my breath and keep still sucked. I did it though. I gasped when they told me I could breathe.



After everything was taken out, which was done quickly... there was one thing left. The catheter and putting in a "fake clotting device." It was ultimately the worse part of the whole experience.



Two people held down my leg without me realizing it until I went to pull it up. The doctor put that in there and it expanded. He applied pressured.



Oh my freakin' god! It hurt so bad! It felt like he had reached in and ripped out the artery in my groin clear down in my leg and into my belly. My heartbeat went from 60-something to 124. They calmed me down. I went back to recovery... over to the Cardiac Care Unit.



I feel bad because no one had ever thanked the doctor for doing the test. On the way out the door, I thanked him. It's not his fault, I'm in this situation or the emergencies came up. I'm just grateful to get it done and to get the results on down the road while I can still do something about it.



I got released early because I was a good girl.



I was approved to be released but they wanted me to pee if I could. It was mandatory, they could have kept me an extra 20 or so minutes to make sure everything was okay.



Before we left, I had to pee. I had a vaginal response. Blood in my urine. Lots of blood. I came out of the bathroom and tried to make it to my bed but leaned against the wall and almost slid down it before my nurse could get to me. There was no blood on my bandage though. He helped me lay back in the bed and got me cold water. After a few, I was better. Just my body recovering from the shock of things.



We were on our way home at 8:30 pm. We made it to my mom's by 10:30 pm.



First moving in the morning has been the part that hurts the most during the day. Aurora's hit me a couple of times directly on the site but it's not bled. I'm lucky.



And this test was done to see if I have a 2 mm brain aneurysm. On the wet copies, it didn't show up. But they said, since I had my disc with the other tests (the MRA and CT Scan) they would know where exactly to look as the images developed.



I get the final results on Monday. I'm hoping the final results are the same as the wet copies but with an explanation of what they saw on the prior tests that I needed to go through this at all.



I'm just relieved and irritated at the same time that I went through the test and nothing showed up on the wet images. It's a good thing, of course. But yeah. It doesn't explain what showed up on the MRA and the CT Scan which was the whole reason my neurologist since me to see the neurosurgeon and he sent me down there for this cerebral angiogram.



God, I sound whiny for someone who just might have found out for sure they don't have a brain aneurysm. Huh?



I need some sleep. Goodnight.


COMMENTS

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Requiem
Requiem
07:22 Sep 24 2011

I am very glad you did not have a brain aneurysm.



Catheters are amazingly painful, and the recovery is also painful.



I think ... You are allowed some whines. ;-) Chin up, honey.





 

16:19 Sep 20 2011
Times Read: 788


Tomorrow is the angiogram through a catheter in my groin. I was watching a program last night and things and saw a heart cath done. It was interesting.



Heh. One part scared the shit out of me. They sedate you. Okay. I figured that much had to be true. But you are in a twilight sleep type deal so you can still communicate with them. That's not what scares me.



They put a clear box over the girl's head so she couldn't stop them or scream. I mean, yeah, common sense told me they need to do something like that but god, that scares the hell out of me. I'm not claustrophobic to the point of a lot of people. I needed something for the MRIs though because of my nerves. The idea of a box on my head... it makes me feel like I'll be trapped.



I woke up last night in cold sweats from nightmares about tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be fine. I know I can do this. One thing makes sure of that... I have a daughter, when I doubt anything, I think of her and how I want to be around for her. That makes me want to do anything I can to make that possible.



I'll be leaving soon. I'm staying at my mom's tonight since she's taking me to this thing tomorrow. Brett might get on here to update his journal... I don't know. My password is saved on his laptop so he can post a journal entry here if he really wanted. LOL! But yeah... I'm nervous.



The angiogram is going to take 45 minutes to an hour... and the recovery process will take 5 to 6 hours longer. I won't get the results for 5 days but it's not that long considering how long we've been waiting to get scheduled for this test alone.



I'll be staying at my mom's house for a couple of days so she can keep an eye on me. At least Wednesday night and Thursday since she's a RN with her BSN and it keeps the worry of Aurora beating up on me at ease. I have a bruise on my upper right leg from her yesterday. I noticed it when I was shaving my legs earlier.



It's in my nature to worry. I've always worried. Looks like if this is what the neurosurgeon thinks it is, then I'm seriously going to have to alter my way of thinking... and my habits.



*takes a deep breath in*



Even if this would show I have a brain aneurysm, it's not the end of everything. I need to remember that. I really, really do.



I can do this. What the hell happened to the little girl who beat the crap out of the two people who hurt her to make them stop? I can face the fear of this test and the results. Even if I cry, I can make it there and trough it all.


COMMENTS

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ToxicKitten
ToxicKitten
17:04 Sep 20 2011

Good luck.





Levity
Levity
20:31 Sep 20 2011

Good luck Tiffycakes. I love you bunches. Always here for you ♥





 

01:37 Sep 17 2011
Times Read: 795


The gift that just keeps getting annoying. =) Yay!



So this morning, I got on the phone to call Morgantown, WV to see about the new medication affecting the angiogram appointment. I found out something interesting.



The appointment on the 26th is not for the angiogram. It is only the results of the angiogram. At that point this morning, I was not even scheduled for an angiogram that he was supposed to give me the results of on the 26th!



What the heck?



Okay... well, the new medications are for a bacterial fungus on my tongue caused by my steroid inhaler, Qvar. I have a nice mouthwash stuff I have to swish around and then swallow. The aftertaste is what makes me want to vomit and it is tearing up my stomach. I'm also on the Z-pack for this issue. It's the reason I'm losing my voice though.



So they took a message and called me back in a while. I have to go down to Morgantown, WV twice! It's almost 100 miles away from where we live.



=(



My angiogram is now scheduled though. The only time it could be scheduled before the 26th appointment for the results is the 21st at 9:30 am. Ugh! We have to leave here super early. Aurora might just stay the night somewhere since she obviously can't go with us that day. I would feel horrible about waking her in the morning... but if something were to happen... yeah. God, I hate thinking like this.



Stupid thought process! Stop it!



But if I didn't take that damn day and time, I would have had to cancel the follow up appointment and things and scheduled things down the road about three to four weeks from now...



I have a neurologist appointment that is scheduled based on this supposed to have been done by then.



This is insane.



I've had to cancel one appointment already. A two hour assessment with my therapist. Oh yay but I was looking forward to doing it with her since it's a new therapist and all. I honestly wish I could get in a therapy session with her before this angiogram.



But two times going down there. Brett's been trying to find a job. We've been trying to figure out what's going on with this brain aneurysm thing before I get a job or into college or whatever. I'm scared to do anything right now in fear that I'll have to stop it or my anxiety levels will become just too much to handle.



Seven months is how long I couldn't leave the house without Brett with me. Three of those months I couldn't leave the house at all. I ended up in the psychiatric ward.



I refuse to be that girl again.



I thought I had "outgrown" all of this. At least to this damn level. Freaking out to this level, I mean and yet, I feel like I'm going to vomit and I feel like I can't do this. I know I can.



If I have an aneurysm, I need to know what I can do to prevent it getting bigger or rupturing. For God's sake, I have a daughter. I can't be that selfish and petty to let anxiety stand in the way of my health and seeing my daughter grow.



I know what it's like to lose a parent. My dad didn't get to see me go to my prom or my graduation. It hurt me so bad. I knew he would have been there if he could have held on but he couldn't.



I might be able to do something about this now if I have a brain aneurysm. So I need to. No buts. No ifs. I just need to swallow that lump in my throat and do it.



I feel overwhelmed with the angiogram in only like four days, not counting today or that day. I had time to cope with it on the 26th and I was trying to make a therapy appointment to get things out. And it's just all making it so I can't.



No driving for 2 days.



No heavy lifting or lifting Aurora for 2-3 weeks. I can't let Aurora jump or hit me around that area or my stomach or legs.



Brett starts class Monday. I don't want him missing class... but what can I do? We're trying to figure it out. We're going to talk to my mom tomorrow sometime about it all.


COMMENTS

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05:18 Sep 15 2011
Times Read: 804


I know I need to get to sleep sometime soon but I wanted to vent somewhere and this is it, I guess. I can't seem to get away from it. Maybe it's just because it's on my mind so much and it's stressing me out insanely. I don't know. I was watching the Deadliest Warrior tonight on the Vampires VS. Zombies and the Vampires won but I wanted to forget about the brain aneurysm issue for a little bit. I had went to sleep earlier tonight and woken up right before it came on all stressed because of the idea of the angiogram. I had two ice cream cones (yum!) and continued to watch the program. Well, of course, I just can't get away from this. Ugh! A comment was made on the program about the Circle of Willis which is the main supply of blood to the brain... that's where this area is in my brain. I thought this program was the one place I could escape tonight. My two favorite legendary monsters going up against each other... yet, something I wouldn't have thought about what 6 months ago really made me upset and lose track of a program I was really enjoying.



This is the third time it has happened while watching television. The first time was a NCIS episode where the person died of a brain aneurysm and Gibbs made the comments he was a ticking timebomb since he was born with it. The second time was flipping through the channels and I landed on a medical program about ERs. It was involved in one of the cases.



I want away from it. I want to stop thinking about it but I know I need to talk about it without completely avoiding it. I need to vent. It's either going to be to a few select people or in this journal or my handwritten one.


COMMENTS

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ToxicKitten
ToxicKitten
05:39 Sep 15 2011

I'm always here.

I promise.





 

22:08 Sep 14 2011
Times Read: 807


My angiogram is in 11 days. I got the letter through the mail today. I'm pissed that they never returned my phone calls but I can deal. Hell, I have to since there's not much I can do about someone else not calling me back, right?



I'm nervous.



Oh, but at least I like my new therapist. I met her today. She's pretty awesome. We seem to be on the same wave-length for the most part.



Maybe tomorrow when I see my PCP, I'll be taken off this steroid inhaler, Qvar. It's causing me to lose my voice. Instead of sounding like a little 7 or 8 year old girl, I'm sounding like a boy in puberty. I'm frustrated.



But hey, things are going.


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05:11 Sep 14 2011
Times Read: 815


We have ich. It's wiped out Aurora's fish tank except for two diamond tetras and a pleco. Five platys are gone, along with a pleco.



When we traded in our aggressive pleco and territorial platy for a small (2") pleco and 2 platys... we got ich in their shipment.



It's wiped out the whole tank. Except for those three and the assassin snail.



Now for the kicker... Brett used the bigger fishnet two or three days ago when we didn't know what was going on and everyone was still alive to get a overfeeding by Aurora out of Mr. Fishy's tank.



Guess who has ich?



Mr. Fishy, Fancy Fin, and Brass Knuckles do. I'm pissed. We caught it early.



Mr. Fishy is trying to love on the gravel to itch his scales. The others are rubbing on the glass and decorations.



When I put the treatment in, we started to see white little things come off of them just like the other tank's occupants that are still alive except mostly a lot smaller.



We caught it early in this tank. I'm going to kill him. I love him but gosh, this is one of those toppers... Mr. Fishy is my link to Tyler when he's gone. I've had this fish since 2008... since Aurora was 6 months old. I love this fish insanely!



I'm upset.



=(



And sad.



We're treating tanks, hoping the tetras and pleco survive and planning to buy a couple more fish when we do get this straightened out in a few weeks!



IN A FEW WEEKS!



Oh but the baby grow out tank is good still. Yay! Baby platys are good! We've lost a few but we still have over 15 of 23. The filter was the culprit of a couple. There's Java Moss in there so I don't know exactly how many are left. I've counted over 15, I'm sure.



We were planning on trading them in possibly for a couple of plants for Mr. Fishy's tank. =)



Trading is fun. And keeps us from spending money. Yay!


COMMENTS

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Bubcelma
Bubcelma
12:44 Sep 14 2011

wow....fishies?

i undestood it...i think...lol





DireConsequences
DireConsequences
21:49 Sep 14 2011

Yeppers, fishes.



A platy is a colorful tropical fish. Aurora's favorite was a mickey mouse platy and the bumblebee platy.



The pleco is an algae eater but I'm honestly not sure how to spell the full name right now. (And with dial up, I'm not willing to risk getting kicked off looking it up. LOL!)



Mr. Fishy, Fancy Fin, and Brass Knuckles are in another tank in another room and they're goldfish. Mr. Fishy was won at a little street fair and he's still alive. Haha.





 

06:44 Sep 13 2011
Times Read: 824


My mommy might buy me my aunty's lifetime account off of Cancer for the transfer fee of $50. Good freakin' deal! LOL! My aunt hasn't been able to get on because of her migraine but my migraine isn't effected by the computer screen so much unless it's above a six on the scale zero to ten which is rare as long as I take my medications on time.



But I want to make sure Brett and I can keep the dial up going for a few months before I let her do it. Because when it comes down to it... that's $50 that could have went to something else, something more important. I love VR... but it's not my life.



*yawns* I need to get to bed. I wanted to get that out though. And I feel sadden. I just traded out a member that I love loads and will miss. It was his wish though since my internet isn't stable and I've been planning on disbanding. But now, I'm not so sure. I don't know. I need to think a lot of things over.



=)



Indecisive Tiffy things.



I'm listening to "All the Pretty Little Horses"... something I've song to Aurora countless times now.



Oh my gosh, the song "Danny Boy" makes me cry. The Irish version... the older version. My Grandma used to sing it to me all the time. I heard it yesterday for the first time since about eight months before her death and when the documentary on 9-11 about the firefighters was ending and showing the pictures of the men lost, the song was playing and I was bawling my eyes out while barely whispering the words. I miss that old crazy lady who was my Grandmama. ♥ Aurora steals pictures of her to talk to her and she talks to her all the time anyway. It's cute. She knows who Old Grandma is.



I'm crying. Dang it.


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05:45 Sep 13 2011
Times Read: 829


I was supposed to hear something back from the neurosurgeon's office within a week about the angiogram test three weeks ago. The longer the wait to know when this thing is going to happen... the more nervous and freaked out I'm getting.



Brett starts class again next week and so here I am, I'm supposed to go over an hour away to get this done and I need him to be there. I was hoping he wouldn't have to miss any class because of me. He had three weeks off from classes and no news about it.



I've called and the right department has not called me back yet. Here's to hoping today is the day they call me to let me know the date!



I'm tempted to call them again tomorrow to ask a few questions along with asking why it's taken so long to hear anything. Ahhh! It's one thing to call me and tell me the insurance is causing some problems... but to leave me waiting with no information. Ugh! I hate these situations.



I have no control at all. That's what it feels like.



The more I go through all of this... I really have to admire my dad and Courtney more and more.



My dad almost died when I was in fourth grade and lived until 2004 with pain every day of his life.



Courtney was a miracle. She wasn't suppose to live when she was child and she did. She got a kidney transplant. She graduated high school. She then went blind. And right before she turned 21, she became diagnosed with stage four cancer.



How did they even go through all the tests? The doctors not calling the pharmacies like they needed to? I've dealt with that once already over an inhaler I needed badly! And now this damn angiogram to find out if it is the most likely scenario of a brain aneurysm. It's frustrating.



My dad struggled. I saw it everyday. But I still helplessly cry when I wish for him back because of the amount of pain he was in EVERYDAY.



And with Courtney, she accepted her fate by the time she passed. I wished I could have spent more time with her instead of on the couch with H1N1 and wearing a mask when Aurora and Brett were downstairs.



I regret a few things and I doubt if I died tomorrow I would be happy with how my life played out. I love my daughter more than anything. She's the thing I'm the proudest of in my life. The best thing I've ever done. But I need to straighten myself out. I need to get my bills straighten out. I need to get back into college and get my degree like I promised my daddy and MYSELF. I need to find myself and feel as though I have self-worth.



Heh. I can find the area in my brain on the MRA of my brain on the disc I have. I might screenshot it, circle it and put it up. Especially if it turns out I have a damn brain aneurysm.



I feel like I'm going to treated like a child by doctors who don't even know me if this turns out to be what they think it is. I hope my neurologist is right and it's a wild goose chase... but my neurosurgeon is pretty damn sure... and my mom and psychiatrist are trying to set me up for the positive results.



If it's an aneurysm... please God, let the size be the same as it was when I had the MRA done. 2 mm and no increase to be seen. Even if it's something else. And let it never grow to a size where it'll rupture or cause me problems? Please?



Since they're sure there is something there. It's visible.



Yeah. I'm venting some. Maybe Brett will get around to reading something someday.


COMMENTS

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05:35 Sep 07 2011
Times Read: 842


Yay! I have dial up at home again since last night.



No, I'm not single. I'm working things out with Brett. We've hit a bump from the medical appointments and the stress of something going into my brain. He's supporting me now and being more understanding.



That's what my kismet was about...



"I must admit it, I need someone like everyone else."



I'm strong but I can only support myself through so much of these blows. I can't go through this angiogram by myself and I know that. I need to know Aurora's taken care of, the house is going to be kept up and I can rely on someone to take care of me when I need it.



I'm still struggling with the idea of relying on him but I'm going to have to deal. Maybe this whole experience will open both of our eyes to reality of what's really important in this relationship.



=)


COMMENTS

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